PHIII: The EEPEES Strike!

[chuxton]

EEPEES LAUNCH SNEAK ATTACK BY SEA
By Penn-Hedley III

Great Scot! The Evil Empire of the East Pole (EEEP) has evaded our careful defensive preparations by launching a surprise offensive against Britannian civilian vessels on the high seas. The cowardly Eepees attacked a fishing vessel captained by your humble correspondent using mercenary elementals and tentacle monsters. Every Brittainian should be outraged at the selection of the first target in the naval phase of the war. The ship attacked was none other than Fellow Ship, the very ship used by Homer Oldham to create the first rune map on Fellowship Hall.
Two brave sailors, Essex and Stafford, lost their lives and could not be recovered. It is up to all Britanianians to see that these brave martyrs of Britannian freedom did not perish in vane. Our fishing rights are but the first to be assaulted by Evil eastern enemy. After laying waste to the crew of the historic Fellow Ship, the invaders actually pushed inland, apparently seeking to seize the resource-rich Bog of Desolation. A nature-loving citizen named Smudge, reportedly in the area to observe the deer in their natural habitat, was struck down by the invaders, whose vanguard, disguised as a tentacle monster but showing a suspicious agility on dry land, was finally turned back by Ophidian War Veteran Homer Oldham at the very gates of Fellowship Hall. The victory demonstrates that Britannians, even feeble old decrepit ones like Oldham, are capable of standing up to the Eepees if they make a determined stand.
Loath as I am to take still greater responsibility upon my humble shoulders, I am forced to assume interim chairmanship of the Naval Preparedness Commission, command of the Shore Watch Militia and Chief of Royal Naval Operations (pending certain crown verification, of course.)

[Jakeman]

This is outrageous! The Eepees to launch a naval assault against Britaina?! This has fone too far! We may rally the forces at once! You can count on my blade Chairman!